


What's It Feel Like To Be A Ghost?

by kesdax



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/F, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 19:25:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10542993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kesdax/pseuds/kesdax
Summary: For eighteen seconds Ryder was dead and Peebee grieved for the woman she loved.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Set during and after the mission _Hunting the Archon_. Peebee's loyalty mission and the Ryder/Peebee romance scene has happened by this point. I kept the description of Ryder deliberately vague because everyone has their own Ryder in their head; but [this dork](http://imgur.com/5svuam9) is my Ryder if you're interested.

Dying, this time, didn’t hurt at all.

Perhaps because she was expecting it, had prepared her mind and her body for her heart stopping in her chest. Or maybe it just all happened so fast there wasn’t time for it to hurt.

She remembered the last breath in her lungs, how sweet it tasted, despite the artificialness of it. If she had a choice, if she got to decide how it all ended for real, a kett ship in the middle of some unknown system wouldn’t have been her first choice. _Prodromos maybe,_ she thought. Her first outpost, their first real home in Andromeda.

Her mother had died with Alec’s hand in hers, surrounded by her grieving children. The last time the Ryder family would ever be together. Afterwards, a fresh start in a new galaxy seemed like the best way to move on, to forget all the opportunities missed. But Alec Ryder had died too, Scott was left in a coma and Sara Ryder became the new Pathfinder.

Nothing turned out like it was meant to.

She wished Scott was here now. She always felt safer with her brother around. They took care of each other. Always had. They could have been Pathfinder together, shared the responsibility their father had left them. Finding new worlds, making them a home. Fighting the kett. Scott would hate them just as much as she did.

But she was alone. And dying. Her brother lay unconscious on the _Hyperion_ ark and with the more time that passed, the less likely it would be that he would wake.

But she wasn’t alone.

_If I don’t get the chance to say this… it’s been great._

As SAM stopped her heart, as that last breath left her lungs and the kett restraining field let her go, she only caught a brief glimpse of blue flesh and wide, fearful eyes. It wasn’t enough. She needed more. More time, more words, more stolen moments on the _Tempest_ when they thought no one was looking, when they thought they were being so discreet even though everyone knew anyway.

But time was lost to her and everywhere at once.

She saw her whole life flash by her; when her and Scott were kids, looking to the stars, so desperate to reach out and touch them, knowing that one day, when they were older, they’d be out there, exploring it all. Neither of them knew it was going to be a different galaxy. A different life altogether. She saw Mom again, young and alive and happy. Dad too. The whole Ryder clan back together again. She saw the worlds in Heleus, the outposts thriving with life, all because of her and her crew. Her new family. Every single one of them. And she wondered if they knew, if they knew how she felt and if she would ever get the chance to tell them.

And Peebee…

But that was too much. It was all too much.

Was this death? She couldn’t remember the first time, couldn’t recall any memories flashing through her head, just the air being sucked out of her lungs and Dad… Alec Ryder saving her, changing her. Perhaps that was a blessing, that she couldn’t remember. Or maybe…

 _SAM_ , she thought, hoping he would hear. She tried to speak, but it was already too late. She couldn’t speak or breathe or live.

There was nothing but darkness in the end.

*

Her lungs burned. Too long without air and when the breath finally reached her chest, she thought she would choke.

_Am I dead?_

But surely death wouldn’t hurt this much. There was a dull ache in her chest and all her muscles felt weak and sore, twitching with the current of enough electricity to power a new outpost. She was lying down, she realised, but couldn’t tell if the surface was hard or soft, dry or wet, not through the space suit protecting her from harm. But not saving her from everything. No Ryder was indestructible.

 _Pathfinder_ , said a voice in her head and she’d never been so glad to hear the artificial voice.

Ryder forced her eyes open. Not dead, but not exactly the ideal situation either. Kett ship, guns pointing to the salarian ark. So many experiments, so many exulted…

Climbing to her feet hurt but she didn’t let it show. Instead she focused on her squad, surprised at the amusement she felt at the sight of them. They really did look ridiculous dangling there, unable to move. Only death would set them free if Ryder couldn’t find a way to get them out.

“You two look cosy,” she quipped, hoping her voice sounded normal, hoping her hands weren’t trembling as much as she thought they were.

Cora looked at her with sharp eyes, clearly unimpressed with her light tone. “Just get us out of here, Ryder.”

Her second in command, the one that was supposed to be Pathfinder, not Ryder. She wondered if Cora would have been as willing to let SAM stop her heart as Ryder had been. But, then again, Cora Harper was by the book, she followed the rules like a good little Initiative Pathfinder. Ryder could never claim that. She did what she believed was right, what she thought was best for humanity and asari and krogan and the rest of the species from the Milky Way. She was willing to do whatever it took to find them homes here in Andromeda, a community with the angarans by their sides. She would do anything to stop the kett from getting in their way, even if it meant dying. Twice. _And maybe a third time_ , she thought with a shudder. Ryder doubted she would be so lucky three times in a row.

Her glance left Cora’s cool grey one, found green eyes that were so familiar, usually so warm and full of mischief and wonder at all Andromeda had to offer. Now they were blank, dark and darted away when Ryder tried to meet them.

_Pathfinder, there is a console behind you that controls the containment field._

Ryder didn’t acknowledge the voice in her head, but she tore her gaze away from Peebee and looked around the unfamiliar kett ship. The more encounters they had with the Andromeda natives, the more the Initiative learned about them and their technology. Ryder identified the kett console easily and moved towards it on feet that were slightly unsteady but got her there in the end. Her omni-tool granted SAM access and within a few seconds he had the containment field down and the orange strands of energy holding Cora and Peebee immobile in the air suddenly vanished. They dropped to the ground with a heavy thump, a groan and an asari curse which Ryder was amused to find she couldn't tell from which it came.

“SAM, what's the status of the salarian ark?” Ryder asked. She couldn't have been unconscious for long, but she still felt out of sorts and out of the loop. SAM switched to the open comm link so Cora and Peebee could hear too, and relayed what they already knew. The Archon was fleeing and they were drastically running out of time to get the ark full of salarians to safety.

But Ryder was barely listening to any of it, distracted by the blue blur rapidly moving towards her. And suddenly, Peebee was in front of her and for a moment Ryder saw nothing but anger clouding green eyes, hardening blue features.

Peebee’s arm shot out, the flat of her palm half shoving, half punching Ryder in the shoulder. It might even have hurt if wasn't for the hardness of her space suit, but Ryder didn't care. The energy, the anger, all left Peebee at once and she collapsed against Ryder more than she embraced her.

“You scared me.”

Ryder stiffened at the whispered words, meant for her only, and tightened her arms around Peebee’s waist, frightened one or both of them would sink to the ground if she didn't. Just how much she had scared Peebee was evident in the public display and Ryder’s eyes darted to their audience. Cora Harper stood at attention with her glance firmly occupied by the kett ship’s architecture. She looked vaguely uncomfortable, like she wished she could be anywhere else - one of those kett exalting chambers would be preferable to this - and she only acknowledged Ryder again when SAM gave them an update. A slight cough that Ryder thought she could detect a hint of disapproval through. But Cora didn't concern Ryder right now. All that mattered was Peebee in her arms.

 _And all those salarians in stasis,_ she reminded herself. And the Archon, long gone by now, perhaps even on his way to Meridian. They had to reach it first. Everyone in Heleus was counting on _her_. She was the Pathfinder and she had a job to do.

Reluctantly, she pulled away and she knew from the steely look in Peebee’s eyes that she had just gone through a similar thought process. Neither of them spoke, both knew what had to be done. There would be time later for them to talk, to touch, for Peebee to remind them both that Ryder was still alive.

And maybe now they could stop sneaking around, pretending that no one knew.

*

Later, once Lexi _finally_ let her out of the medbay after one of her longer lectures on unnecessary risks, all Ryder wanted to do was sleep. She was glad her quarters were so close. _And private_ , she thought, grateful that the others couldn't see her weariness as she collapsed face first onto the bed. Dying was so tiring and she wondered if Pathfinders even got a vacation. A quiet beach somewhere would be nice; an Andromeda sun warming her skin, the fresh air of a light breeze, a certain asari’s lips on hers…

She slept for fourteen hours, her dreams far more pleasant than any so far since arriving in Andromeda. Her bed was warm and comfortable and for a little while it was easy for her to forget where she was, what was coming, that she had - once again - just died.

When she finally got up, SAM informed her it would be two days until they reached the Nexus. They were accompanying the battered salarian ark home and although wary, Ryder didn’t expect the kett to try and attack them again so soon. The Archon was too focused on finding Meridian first. So Ryder had to be too and she ignored the message from Lexi telling her to take the next couple of days off, rest before her inevitable debriefing on the Nexus. No doubt Tann would have a lot to say about her decision to sacrifice so many salarians - including the Pathfinder - to save a couple of krogans. It had been a hard choice to make, almost impossible, and one she would have to live with for the rest of her life. She wasn’t sure what swayed her decision in the end. The thought of exulted krogan had been terrifying, the danger too high a risk towards the rest of the Initiative. Or had she done it for Drack? Because it was his squad and she had grown rather fond of the old krogan since he joined them on the _Tempest_?

Ryder didn’t like to think her choice had been a purely emotional one. She was Pathfinder now. She had to be objective. But the more she did this job the harder it was to remain distant, to do what was best for them all rather than the few she had grown to care about the most. But as she fought the kett, as she searched for Meridian and faced all the unknown that Andromeda had to offer, Ryder knew that if she didn’t have this crew, this _family_ , to remind her what was important, then she would be lost.

So she would deal with whatever admonishments Tann and Addison had to offer and would stick by her decision. It wasn't like she could go back and change it now.

She was still so tired and didn’t feel like moving, the exhaustion stiffening her bones, making her muscles weak. Ryder sat up on her bed and grabbed the datapad from the nightstand, asking SAM to download everything they got from the relic on the kett ship and everything Suvi and Peebee had managed to process in the fourteen hours since then. Hopefully, they would be a few steps closer to Meridian, several ahead of the kett. But time was slipping away from her, like liquid trickling through her fingers and she couldn’t stop it no matter how hard she tried, couldn’t get a firm grasp and hold on tight. Suddenly, the thrum of _Tempest’s_ engines wasn’t their usual comforting vibration, reminding her of their steady flight through space, through their new home. Instead she was falling, falling through space and time, the stars a blur, the scourge trapping her. For a moment she forgot to breathe, her throat tightened and her heart hammered in her chest like a frightened animal caught in a trap, desperate to get out.

 _Pathfinder,_ said SAM and she almost jumped, forgetting, just for a moment, that she wasn’t alone. Never alone anymore. SAM would always be a part of her. _I am detecting elevated blood pressure and erratic respiration._

Ryder wanted to laugh. _No shit_ , she thought and forced herself to breathe normally. Long deep breaths and after a few moments she felt the control return, her heart calm.

“Do me a favour,” said Ryder, leaning back against the pillows and closing her eyes briefly, “and don’t tell Lexi.”

She thought he would protest, but then she remembered SAM was artificial, not a real person. He didn’t have the same concerns as someone composed of flesh and blood. He would obey her. For now. When he didn’t, _then_ she would know things were bad.

The door to her quarters chimed and Ryder let out a low groan, half expecting the full wrath of one Doctor Lexi T’Perro at her door. She wouldn’t put it past the asari doctor to be monitoring her vitals surreptitiously. But it was a different asari that stepped into her quarters, coming in just far enough for the door to slide shut behind her. Peebee was dressed in a simple dark purple tank top that cut off just above her navel and black shorts clinging so tightly to her blue skin that they left little to the imagination. Ryder’s impromptu fourteen hour nap had woken her up right in the middle of _Tempest’s_ night cycle, she realised and felt the control slipping away once again. Felt dizzy and lost out here, so far away from home.

“Aren’t you supposed to be resting?” Peebee eyed the datapad in Ryder’s hand, knowing what was on there without having to ask.

The sound of her voice grounded Ryder and she felt calm for the first time since boarding the kett ship tethered to the salarian ark. Tossing the datapad aside - it wasn’t like she had been paying any attention to what she had been reading for several minutes now anyway - Ryder sat up, eyeing Peebee warily. “When do I ever?”

She hadn’t rested properly since waking up from stasis. She doubted any of them had. Stolen kisses with Peebee in the darkest corners of the _Tempest_ were the only real breaks she’d had. The rest of her time was occupied with thoughts of the kett, finding a home despite Andromeda’s inhospitable worlds, worry for Scott, grief for her father… then there was the memories SAM was slowly retrieving… Ryder family secrets that she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to uncover.

Nothing in Andromeda was turning out the way it was supposed to.

But not all of that was necessarily a bad thing, Ryder mused as her eyes studied the asari in front of her. Careful and intense, she looked at Peebee as if seeing her for the first time. In a way, it _was_ like the first time all over again. _I died_. Ryder forced herself to remember every detail, every blemish, in case this was the last time they saw each other.

She remembered the first time they met; how Peebee had come crashing into her life. A blue blur of energy and excitement that took the breath out of Ryder’s throat. She hadn’t been able to get rid of her since. She hadn’t wanted to. Peebee was the closest thing to an expert on the Remnant that they had, but that wasn’t the reason Ryder liked having her around. After so much death and uncertainty, with her brother in a coma and all those lives in stasis waiting for a home, Peebee had felt so _alive_ , so real, all that energy and mischief, the smug looks, the unrestrained humour in her eyes… Ryder had been captivated. And still was. Probably always would be.

Ryder shuffled forwards until she was sitting on the edge of the bed, her bare feet on the cold metal floor. She wondered absently when she had taken her shoes off, but supposed it didn’t matter. “Hey,” she said eventually and the single word conveyed so much and yet felt too inadequate at the same time.

Peebee stiffened at the sound of her voice. She looked so vulnerable standing there, so young, nothing at all like the Peebee she was used to. Ryder had only been dead for a few seconds, but to Peebee it must have felt like a lifetime. And a lifetime for an asari was a long time indeed.

She reached out her hand, wondering if Peebee would take it or bolt. This thing between them was so new, so different for the both of them. _Strings_ , they had promised and now Ryder wondered if Peebee was beginning to regret that. Strings were complicated, _feelings_ were complicated and if there was one thing Ryder knew about Peebee, it was that she cut out anything complicated or boring from her life. She wanted adventure yes, to discover all that there was in Andromeda before anyone else. But maybe that didn’t include Ryder.

 _Say something,_ Ryder wanted to scream. At Peebee, at herself. Heck, she would even take SAM’s unwanted advice at this point. But the room was silent, the ship was silent but for the thrum of engines as Kallo guided them through unknown space that was slowly becoming more and more familiar.

The room felt too small, the universe too big. She should never have come to Andromeda, never let Scott talk her into it. But there was nothing left for her in the Milky Way and she couldn’t bear the thought of being left there alone without Scott - her brother, her twin, her other half - she didn’t want to lose Dad either. _But I did lose him. And Scott… Will you ever wake up? Are you coming back to me?_

Everything started to spin, the weight of being Pathfinder pressed down on her and she forgot how to breathe. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Dad was supposed to be doing this, not her. But he was gone and she was alone, a lost little girl so far from home.

Then she felt a warm hand in hers, reminding her where she was, who she was, who she was with. A shaky breath and Ryder’s eyes found a deep green, warm and full of mystery and hope.

_You’re not alone._

Ryder shivered and pulled Peebee towards her. “Hey,” she said again and felt stupid but gratified at the sparkle of humour in her asari’s eyes.

“Hey yourself.”

Then Peebee was kissing her. No hesitant excitement like that first time, no desperate rush as they worried someone would walk in on them. It was hungry and primal, like the first time all over again. And it grew deeper, more heated, so very quickly. Ryder gasped for breath as Peebee pulled away to yank the shirt over Ryder’s head, barely a few seconds before her lips crashed on Ryder’s once again.

Her skin burned, entire body thrumming with desire and life. It had been way too long since she’d had another body pressed so tightly against hers. Six hundred years, in fact and Ryder wanted to laugh. She felt the humour bubbling in her gut and forced herself to ignore it. _Don’t ruin the moment, Ryder. Don’t ruin_ this _._

She had never been with an asari before and Ryder wondered if Peebee was just that skilled or if the rumours about their promiscuity were true. Either way, it didn’t matter. Peebee was _hers_ and she kissed and touched Ryder with a possessiveness that only further fueled her desire.

A moan, guttural and animalistic, left Ryder’s mouth to be captured by blue lips and a cool hand trailed her body, teasing her breast for a moment before moving further down and hovering at the waistband of her pants. It was clear what Peebee wanted, needed, and the burning arousal between Ryder’s legs made it obvious that she wanted and needed it too.

But a ridiculous thought entered Ryder’s head that made her hesitate. And she sat up, not exactly sure when Peebee had managed to press her onto the mattress so firmly. She didn’t push Peebee away, only tightened her grip on her hips as she breathed heavily, trying to compose her thoughts and voice what had suddenly came to her with the force of a bullet in her gut. If she had any, Ryder thought Peebee would be raising an eyebrow at her right about now. But all she got was desired filled eyes, Peebee’s hands caressing her skin, teasing the tips of her hair at the back of her neck. Asari’s didn’t have body hair and it amused Ryder how alien Peebee found it, how fascinated she was with it. The feel of blue hands running through her hair was just a pleasant side effect. Ryder shivered and Peebee kissed her again, slowly this time like she had mistaken Ryder’s hesitancy for a need not to rush things. But slow didn’t last for long.

The heat grew between them once again, the places where their bodies rubbed together sparking a fire. Ryder knew she had to do something, say something, before this went too far, before they couldn’t take it back. And it took all of her resolve and willpower to push Peebee away this time.

“Wait.”

Blue features darkened. A flash of confusion and hurt spread across Peebee’s face before she put up the walls Ryder had spent months so carefully pulling down.

This wasn’t going right at all, Ryder thought and felt Peebee pulling away from her, knew that she would be long gone and never coming back if Ryder didn’t do something.

“I’m not going to accidentally knock you up, am I?” Ryder blurted. It sounded even more ridiculous out loud than it had done in her head.

Peebee looked at her for a long moment, then she snorted. The snort quickly turned into uncontained giggles and Ryder felt herself growing increasingly more annoyed as it became evident the laughing was at her expense.

It took Peebee a long time to calm down and even then there was a few miss starts where she appeared to have sobered only to burst into another flood of giggles. By the time she had regained control for real, Ryder was scowling in annoyance and the mood was totally ruined.

“First of all,” Peebee said, looking like she was struggling to keep a straight face, “asari’s got the same contraceptive blockers as everyone else in the Initiative.”

That made sense, Ryder thought and felt even more stupid.

“Secondly…” Peebee’s voice dropped to a low husk that sent a shiver down Ryder's spine. She kissed Ryder’s neck, nibbled at the pulse thrumming in the arteries beneath her skin. Ryder groaned and decided Peebee wasn’t playing fair. She forgot her stupidity and the annoyance melted away along with the scowl on her face. She was beginning to think she was never going to hear that second point, but then Peebee was pulling away with a smug smirk on her face. “Secondly… asari’s don’t get pregnant unless they choose to. It’s a very delicate process. Methodical. And not something I’m keen to try anytime soon.”

“Oh,” said Ryder, wishing she had paid more attention in high school xenobiology. Maybe she could ask Lexi about it later… Or maybe not. There was such a thing as too much information and she didn’t want the ship’s doctor getting the wrong idea. “Good to know.”

Peebed smiled and kissed her. It didn’t take them long to regain their momentum, the heat and desire between them. Ryder didn't have anymore wayward thoughts about asari reproductive biology. She couldn’t think much at all with Peebee touching her. So she didn’t try. She focused on the pleasant sensations Peebee was inciting all over her body; her fingertips and tongue and teeth sending sparks through every nerve fibre and it all led to one place. The one place Peebee was yet to go, teasing Ryder into frustration.

Ryder let out a groan and she felt Peebee smile as her lips pressed against the skin of her navel. “I know asari can live to be over a thousand years old,” she gasped in between breaths, “but us mere humans don't quite have that long. Could you...”

Peebee looked up at her and grinned. And Ryder wished she had kept her mouth shut as Peebee crawled up the length of her, no longer touching or kissing. But the desire in her eyes, making them a deeper green than Ryder had ever seen, was enough to keep the arousal pounding through her veins.

“Patience, Ryder,” said Peebee and kissed her lightly on the mouth, “is a virtue.”

“That an asari saying?”

“Pretty sure it’s a human one.”

“Well,” said Ryder, lifting her head up a little so their lips were just brushing together, “it’s a stupid one.”

Peebee hummed in agreement and let Ryder kiss her. Then her hands were roaming Ryder’s body and there was no need to talk. The only noises were the heavy gasp of Ryder’s breathing, the occasional moan she could not contain and the distinct sound of skin on skin.

A trail of kisses down her body, light with the occasional nibble of teeth at tender flesh. Peebee paused to tease her breast, her tongue swirling around a hardened nipple before moving on down, down, down.

And it was all Ryder could do not to scream in pleasure. Her hand groped for the nearest part of Peebee, finding her hand playing fondly with her breast and she gripped it tight, holding it in place above her heart hammering in her chest, knowing Peebee could feel it too, maybe even hear it pounding so loud.

 _Take it,_ Ryder thought, _it’s yours. Only yours._ It didn’t occur to her that Peebee had already stolen it, a long time ago.

But something was wrong. Peebee had stilled, frozen in place above her. When Ryder opened her eyes, found some control to focus, she was staring at their clasped hands as if she could see right through them, through flesh and bone to the organ underneath. The heart that had been so still and dead less than a day ago.

“Peebee…”

“I have to go.”

And before Ryder could say anything, before she could move, Peebee was gone.

*

It was a testimony to Peebee’s skill that it took Ryder several minutes to calm down and follow. Her desire wasn’t fully doused, but Ryder was more worried about the fleeing asari than her own needs. She climbed with heavy limbs up the metal ladder to the upper level, glad to find the ship deserted at this time of night. The last thing she needed was a lecture from Lexi or knowing looks threaded with amusement from the others. No doubt Jaal would be inclined to engage her in conversation about her “mating habits”, in the interest of science and understanding between his people and the Initiative species. But Ryder knew fine well he was a bigger gossip than Kallo, no matter how hard he tried to hide it behind diplomatic interest. She had no intention of discussing her love life with him. Or anyone.

Only Peebee.  _If_ she could find her.

The bridge was quiet as it always was during the night cycle. Just Kallo in the pilot seat, humming salarian opera to himself. With his super fast salarian metabolism, he only required one hour of sleep a day and Ryder was beginning to wonder if he ever left the helm. She rarely saw him anywhere else on the ship unless it was to complain loudly in Gil’s face about something.

“Pathfinder,” he said, inclining his head respectfully although Ryder could tell he was surprised to see her here so late. “What can I do for you?”

“What’s our status?” Ryder asked. Her eyes darted to the sealed doors leading to the escape pod, the little room Peebee had accosted for herself the second she had come on board.

“We’re on schedule to the Nexus,” said Kallo. “The salarian ark reported minor engine trouble, but their engineers have kept it together for the time being.”

“Good,” said Ryder, barely listening. She let him return to his controls and his humming and turned her attention to the escape pod. The door slid open at her approach and she found the room empty apart from Poc, hovering in her usual corner. Peebee had been experimenting with implementing conversational tools into her programming, but tonight she was silent. Just another piece of Remnant technology salvaged from a long dead race. At least Poc didn’t try to shoot her, although no doubt Peebee could program her to if she ever became inclined. “Hey, have you seen Peebee?” she asked over her shoulder.

“Wasn’t she with you,” said Kallo, then stiffened in his chair when he realised what that implied. “I mean… That is to say - not that I know she was with you, I don’t… That’s not…” He let out a heavy sigh and blinked at her, the only sign of embarrassment on his otherwise amphibian face.

Ryder held back a smirk. “How long have you known?”

“I know nothing,” he said quickly and stared firmly at his controls. She rolled her eyes, wondering if he’d figured it out for himself or if someone else - a certain scientist whom he spent most of the day with - had spilled the gossip in his ears. Either way the entire ship would know by now. And the Nexus. And every outpost they had been to lately. The salarians just awoken from stasis probably already knew too. Six hundred years asleep and a whole new galaxy and all anyone in the Initiative could talk about was the Pathfinder’s sex life.

But it amused Ryder more than it annoyed her. With all the uncertainty and lost hope the scourge had brought, this little piece of normal was good for her, good for the crew.

 _Maybe_ _not so good for Peebee_ , she thought and left the bridge. There was only so many places she could go. You couldn’t exactly hide on a ship this small.

Of course Ryder didn’t find her until the last place she looked. The door to the Nomad opening was eerily loud in the quiet of the ship. Its hiss of air and warning beep at the change of air pressure seemed like enough to wake the whole ship. But when Ryder stood still, she could hear nothing but the engines and her own breathing. No one else was awake except for Kallo up on the bridge. “There you are.”

“Go away, Ryder.”

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” she said, climbing into the passenger seat. Peebee refused to look at her as she sat hunched in the driver’s seat, arms wrapped around her knees. She looked so small and vulnerable that for a moment Ryder thought she was making a mistake. She should just leave it, give Peebee some time to cool down, process her thoughts and whatever she was feeling.

But it was that concept again. _Time._ Asari’s lived so long that Ryder sometimes wondered if they forgot how fragile human life could be. How short. Time was constantly running out for humans, whereas for an asari it stretched out in front of them. But this was Andromeda and no one was safe. Ryder knew that better than anyone. She had seen more death and despair during her time as Pathfinder than she had in the rest of her whole life put together. Dad was dead, arks were still missing and the kett had a head start on Meridian. But despite all that, despite all the challenges and setbacks, there was still hope.

The Pathfinder had brought them that hope. Not Ryder specifically, but everything that a Pathfinder represented. A symbol of hope that had brought life back to Andromeda.

“Talk to me,” said Ryder, watching as Peebee stiffened and knowing how lucky she was to be allowed to see her like this. No one else could claim that. _Not even Kalinda_ , Ryder mused and forced herself not to think about the ex that had brought Peebee all the way to Andromeda and into her life.

They sat in the darkness of the Nomad, listening to the comforting thrum of _Tempest’s_ engines for a long time before either of them spoke again. Ryder displayed more patience than she felt and this must have been the longest Peebee’s motor mouth had gone without saying anything, apart from those times when she was unconscious. But even then Ryder wouldn’t be surprised if she talked in her sleep.

“You died.” Peebee’s voice was so quiet, muffled as she pressed her chin into her knees, that Ryder struggled to hear. But it was obvious what was bothering her. How could it be anything else? Peebee was there when it happened, watched as SAM stopped her heart, killed her.

_But it was the only way._

“I lived,” Ryder corrected. “I’m still here.”

“But for how long?” Peebee met her gaze with the question and Ryder struggled to breathe, to answer. She didn’t have one. Her dad had barely been in Andromeda a few hours before his job as Pathfinder had killed him. And Raeka had died trying to save her people from the kett. No one knew if they would ever find the other two arks and if they did, she couldn’t predict what they would find, who would be alive or dead.

“I don’t think that matters.”

She remembered her mom then, how peaceful she had been in the end. Ellen Ryder had accepted her death even if her children, her husband, could not. Because she had them, this small family that stuck together in the end, even if they had to move to a whole new galaxy to do it. No regrets, no anxiety. The time she’d had in this world hadn’t been wasted.

And Ryder had technically died twice. This was her third chance and she didn’t want to waste it on what-ifs and fears that they couldn’t control.

“What matters,” Ryder said carefully, taking Peebee’s hand in hers. Their fingers entwined together and it felt so _right_ to her that Ryder knew there was nowhere else she was meant to be. “What matters is how we spend the time that we have. And I want to spend it with you.”

“I’m always gonna outlive you.”

Ryder shrugged. _The curse of being an asari._ “Par for the course.” But she hoped it was true, she hoped Peebee lived long after she did, discovered everything Andromeda had to offer, all its secrets and wonders.

“This is why having no strings is easier,” Peebee said bitterly. She let go of Ryder’s hand to cross her arms tightly across her chest.

“It’s a little late for that,” said Ryder. _Far too late._ Perhaps it had been too late even that first day on Eos, with Peebee on top of her and Remnant tech surrounding them. “For me,” she added, but she suspected it was too late for Peebee too. She could try to keep people at a distance all she wanted, but her heart, her soul, would always have a mind of its own. Humans and asari had that in common.

“Yeah.” Peebee let out a long breath, resigned and accepting all at once. “I guess… for me too,” she mumbled and when Ryder put an arm around her shoulders she didn’t resist. Her head rested tiredly on Ryder’s shoulder and the young Pathfinder found a peace within herself that hadn’t been there for a long time.

“Ryder?” Peebee muttered after a while. Ryder forced her eyes open, unaware of when she had closed them, how long they had sat there in comfortable, peaceful, _blissful,_ silence.

“Mm?” she grunted, not having much energy for anything else. She was due for another fourteen hour nap, she decided. Maybe Lexi had a point when she insisted Ryder get plenty of rest before they reached the Nexus.

“If SAM ever tries to kill you again...” said Peebee as casually as if she were talking about the weather on Eos. “Then I’ll set Poc on him.”

Ryder grinned. “Noted,” she said and decided not to ask about what other modifications Peebee might have made to her favourite pet robot.

She felt her eyes slip closed again, knew if she didn’t move soon she was going to wake up several hours later with a very sore neck and back. She doubted very much that Doctor T’Perro would be sympathetic to her pain.

“Peebee?” she mumbled, lips brushing lightly against the cool blue skin of her forehead. Peebee grunted in response, not far off from slumber herself. “Take me to bed.”

The lascivious smirk on Peebee’s face indicated she wasn’t as tired as Ryder had initially thought. “What’s wrong with the Nomad?”

Ryder raised one tired eyebrow even as the rest of her body tingled from Peebee’s suggestive tone. Her earlier arousal had not entirely died away and Peebee seemed to be aware of the effect just one simple look could have on her.

It wasn’t _fair_.

“First zero-g. Now the Nomad?” said Ryder, both humour and desire lacing her voice. “You have weird tastes, Pelessaria B’Sayle.”

Peebee scowled at the use of her full name and poked Ryder playfully in the ribs. “I don’t hear you complaining.”

 _No,_ Ryder thought. When it came to Peebee she had nothing to complain about at all.


End file.
